We all need to feel loved and accepted, however, this is exaggerated in someone who’s a people-pleaser, and they may avoid circumstances that cause them to feel conflict with others. Because they’re worried about being rejected, they generally seek approval to reassure themselves.

This isn’t the most constructive way to be, so this month’s article is about people-pleasing and how to escape it.

What is a people-pleaser?

Here’s part of the definition from Patrick King, the author of Stop People Pleasing.

“Deep down, you’re convinced that you’re not enough as you are and that you’re not worthy of love, and this leads you to always being on your guard for imminent rejection. You become overly sensitive to any cues that may signal such rejection, and that includes any frown or offhand remark of disappointment from people you try to refuse.”

His book is a practical read and worth dipping into if you recognise some of the tendencies.

How to recognise a people-pleaser

People-pleasers have a fear of confrontation, conflict and rejection. Because they can’t handle those scenarios, they are more likely to go along with the majority view.

They are worried they will come across as selfish or arrogant, which makes them more likely to hold back.

They’re worried that they will spoil the relationship if they push a view that’s different to the other person.

They are also likely to be worried that, if they speak up, they won’t be heard. This would make them feel humiliated and reinforce their feelings of worthlessness.

They might say ‘yes’ but then fail to deliver, or overcommit themselves and then let the team down.

Disadvantages of being a people-pleaser

In many ways, all their worrying is a waste of time and effort. Other people will know if the people-pleaser doesn’t agree because it will leak out in their behaviour and body language in some way.

Much of a people-pleaser’s belief system and mindset is about others so they may be unaware of their own needs and wants. Even if they are aware, they don’t respect their needs enough to put them on a par with those of others.

Because they are unlikely to speak up against the group dynamic or consensus, the team loses their potentially valuable input.

Over time, people-pleasers can become depleted in a relationship or work setting, and start to feel resentful, withdrawn or frustrated. This can build up to an emotional outburst, passive-aggressive behaviour or even overworking and becoming ill because they won’t say ‘no’ and so take on too much themselves.

Advantages of being a people-pleaser

Having said all that, people-pleasers also have many strengths.

To others, they come across as caring, empathic and attentive to others.

They have the seeds of emotional intelligence, in as much as they can read and respond to the needs of others (even if they’re not quite so good at doing that for themselves).

Where people-pleasing comes from

It’s likely that it starts in childhood, as a response to how we’re treated by our primary caregivers.

If you don’t get love and security, you feel rejected and disapproved of. You’re more likely to grow up with feelings of inadequacy. This manifests as a lack of self-esteem.

As a child, you want to feel unconditional love from your parents and carers. If that’s not forthcoming, you crave it, and so you behave in a way that tries to please them.

These experiences become hardwired into the brain and form our mental model of the world.

This links to my articles about:

• The science of attachment and its affect on relationships
• High-performing leadership teams (Especially the ‘I’m OK’ diagram in the section on ’emotionally intelligent team behaviours’)

Are you a people-pleaser?

Work through this checklist to help you decide:

I often find it difficult to say ‘no’
I sometimes say ‘yes’ when I actually mean ‘no’
I sometimes say ‘yes’ but then silently fume to myself
I sometimes say ‘yes’ but feel angry with the person who asked me
I sometimes feel that people take me for granted
I often feel unappreciated for the things I do for others
I sometimes feel upset, hostile, misunderstood or duped
I sometimes feel unloved, unwanted, unvalued or disregarded
I regularly worry about troubling or irritating other people
I often feel guilty about doing the things I want to do
I tend to get angry when other people don’t know why I’m upset
I try to be what other people want me to be
I don’t usually offer my opinion; I’d prefer to go along with someone else’s
I don’t often reveal my emotions when they’re different from someone else’s
I usually back away from feeling upset
I often have difficulty standing up for myself
I rarely state how I feel for fear of causing unpleasantness

If you recognise yourself in fewer than 5 of the 17 habits listed, you’re low on the scale of people-pleasing. If you identify with more than 10 of them, you’re probably a people-pleaser.

How to escape from people-pleasing

If you want to change, here are some practical tips.

• Recognise the importance of the relationship you have with yourself. Learn what your needs and wants are, and respect them
• Reframe any negative thoughts into positive ones. Don’t say:
  “I can’t speak up…”
  “I’m not worthy…”
  “I’ll be rejected if…”
  “It’s not that big a deal…”
  Instead, flip it to: “This is what I need/want/feel…”.  And then act on it, even if you initially take baby steps to practice.
  This links to my article on Self-limiting beliefs and how to turn them off
• Lean in. When something makes you feel uncomfortable, rather than avoid it, acknowledge it. Tell yourself you are worth it, and that, whatever the situation, it’s worth giving your view for your own self-esteem, the sake of the relationship and the good of the team. This links to my article on The power of vulnerability
• Know you don’t have to be aggressive. People-pleasers often associate speaking up with the idea they are somehow being aggressive. You aren’t. You can be assertive and collaborate so you achieve a win:win. Speak up for your needs and be curious about theirs so you can come up with a solution that works for both sides
  “Here’s what I need. Tell me what you need and we can figure out a plan that works for both of us”
• Learn to say ‘no’. Don’t fall into the trap of over-justifying and explaining why you can’t do something by giving a long excuse. Just say:
  “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. What I propose is…”
  “That doesn’t work for me, how about…”
• Acknowledge it may take a while for people to catch up with your change in self-belief and behaviour. Be prepared for them to comment or assume you’ll behave in a certain way. Just keep going, especially in the early days
• Confide in a few people you really trust to have your wellbeing, so they can support you as you transition away from people-pleasing

How to get the best out of people-pleasers

If you work with a people-pleaser, consider how you can support them. Some ideas are:

• Ask them for their view and use encouraging body language to help them feel safe to answer
• Ask each person (depending on the size of the group) for their view, and then make a point of reflecting back so that each person feels heard
• Model listening, as well as advocating your perspective. Your behaviour will impact the team dynamic, particularly if you are the leader of the team
• Bring it into the open and acknowledge conflict is something most people find uncomfortable, but it’s not bad per se. Speaking up means the team stand a better chance of discovering and addressing problems early on, as well as tapping into the ideas of everyone
• Balance your attention between relationships and the work to be done – don’t just dive into the work. Consider three things: team climate; the process for discussing/deciding topics; and the topic itself

Summary

It’s worth escaping from the trap of people-pleasing because it will enable you to lead a happier, more fulfilling life, you can flourish and be your best self in the service of yourself and those around you. Also, other people will much prefer to know where you stand, so they don’t have to ignore you or try to protect you.

Related reading

This topic fits neatly with some of my other articles. For more information, please see:

• How to be an agile leader (especially the bit about creative and reactive leadership. A reactive leader comes from a place of fear and might have a people-pleasing tendency)
• How to network internally, for agility
• The science of attachment and its affect on relationships
• High-performing leadership teams
• Self-limiting beliefs and how to turn them off
• The power of vulnerability

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Next month

Effective teamwork for addressing complex, multi-boundary challenges at scale.

 

Anxiety is something we’ve all experienced to a greater or lesser extent. Through the pandemic, it’s probably touched everyone.

This article contains advice on how to deal with anxiety on both a practical and a mindset level.

Disclaimer: I’m talking here about general feelings of anxiety. This is different to having an anxiety disorder, which is outside the scope of this article.

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly.”`
Anonymous

Overview

Anxiety is your body trying to help you. It’s like an early warning system. It’s not something to avoid, it’s something to embrace – to listen to, so that it can guide you.

Your comfort zone may feel a comfortable place to be, but nothing grows there. If you try to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone, you are less likely to take risks and grow.

Next time you’re feeling anxious about something, reframe it as ‘useful information’. When you are feeling interested and curious, you will become less afraid.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It is thinking all the time, and all your feelings come from your thoughts.  For example, recognise that anxiety about the future comes from your imagination. Your imagination gets its information from memory. Your memory contains everything that’s ever happened to you, films you’ve seen, books you’ve read, and things you’ve heard about. Your imagination therefore has plenty to play with when you’re faced with a new situation to worry about.

But thoughts aren’t real – you’ve made them up. The past is over. Your memories may not be accurate. And some will be based on fiction. So, invite your imagination to create something useful instead. (This comes from the Three Principles understanding. In this article, you’ll discover more about it: How to empty your busy mind.)

For another angle on resolving anxiety, John Cremer is an improviser who talks about the gap between goals and reality. He says this gap is where discomfort and stress often live. His advice is not to get too fixed on your goal. Point yourself in that direction, yes, but recognise that reality will no doubt diverge – and that’s OK. Enjoy the release of the playfulness that can be found in that state of uncertainty. (See our ideas about how improvisation helps with innovation and team effectiveness.)

“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.”
William S. Burroughs

What the scientists say

Dr Tracy Dennis-Tiwary is a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Hunter College, New York.  She defines anxiety not as fear (which triggers the fight-or-flight reaction) but as apprehension about an uncertain future.

She says a little bit of anxiety can make us more persistent, creative, innovative and socially connected. However, the more you try to avoid and repress anxiety, the more it tends to spiral out of control.

Anxiety triggers a release of oxytocin, in fact, this social bonding hormone shoots up! The reason is that social connection is one of the best ways of managing anxiety. So, if you feel anxious, it’s reminding you to reach out for connection and support.

She recommends treating anxiety as information telling us something could be dangerous or that we care about it. If you don’t feel slightly anxious about, say, giving a presentation, perhaps it doesn’t matter much to you.

We’re in a VUCA world where everything is uncertain and it’s likely to stay that way, so we need to get used to it! Thinking of anxiety as something useful will help you navigate uncertainty.

The evidence

In a 2013 study by a group at Harvard, researchers set up two groups of people suffering with social anxiety disorders.

One group was taught that anxiety could be helpful, that butterflies in the stomach and a racing heart allow the body to do well, be brave and be persistent.

The other group were not told any such thing.

It may be no surprise to discover that the first group did better, with lower blood pressure and heart rates. As you can imagine, over time, making friends with with anxiety is really good for your health.

Feeling butterflies in your tummy is no bad thing. Getting those butterflies to fly in formation is the general idea!

“Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.”
Plato

Coping mechanisms

Dr Olivia Remes, author of The Instant Mood Fix, is a mental health researcher at Cambridge University.

She studied over 20,000 women facing disadvantaged circumstances, and arrived at three coping mechanisms which help. Those who practiced these three things remained healthy and free of mental health disorders, while the others went into a downward spiral.

Source: British Medical Journal

1. Feeling in control of your life

Even if you are uncertain about which course of action to take, doing something is better than doing nothing (even if it ends up being the ‘wrong’ decision).

“Anything worth doing is worth doing badly the first time”
GK Chesterton

Don’t procrastinate. Make a decision and take action.

2. Forgive yourself

People with anxiety focus on the negatives. They feel bad, mulling over what they’ve done ‘wrong’.

To get out of this state, have more compassion for yourself. Recognise that we’re not perfect. We’re human beings. We can’t live our whole lives without making mistakes.

(Going back to improvisation as mentioned above, it’s impossible to get it wrong! Mistakes are celebrated. It’s a great skill to practice and a useful organisational culture to develop.)

3. Include purpose and meaning in your life

Research shows that having purpose and meaning in your life is really valuable, especially when other people need you. This could be as a parent or caregiver, by volunteering in your community, or by mentoring junior colleagues and sharing your knowledge.

You don’t have to set yourself a grand purpose, it might just be a direction. For example, wanting to spend more time with family and friends, or to be a kinder person. Something that feels attainable.

You could even focus on doing something where the end result might be invisible to you but which may benefit future generations, such as planting a tree. You won’t see the tree at its most mature and magnificent, but you could plant it for the next generation.

You might be interested to watch Olivia’s 15-minute TEDx talk about how to cope with anxiety.

High-functioning anxiety

If you appear as if you’re in control of your life on the outside, but inside you’re full of worry, you may be struggling with high-functioning anxiety. Individuals with this often lead successful lives – they may appear to have it all. They’re high achievers, driven to succeed. But the inside (below the waterline) may look something like this:

Do you recognise yourself in that diagram? On the outside (above the waterline), people see you as a high achiever, and that’s indeed what you are, but on the inside (below the waterline), you’re actually dealing with all kinds of anxieties.

“Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”
Jodi Picoult

What you can do

Here’s a process from the NLP point of view (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) – one of the approaches I’m qualified in. This will help you shift your way of thinking from the problem to a solution.

1. First, be clear about what you want
2. How will you know when you’ve got there? What will it do for you? Visualise what it will look like, sound like and feel like when you’ve achieved it
3. Ask yourself what’s stopping you from doing it? Keep asking yourself questions until you get to the root cause. It might be self-limiting beliefs, for example. You might want a work buddy or a coach to help you with this (you can contact me for support)
4. Find someone who has done this well. What was in play? What can you learn from them?
5. Then make a plan – and take action. Remember, even taking baby steps is better than being paralysed into inaction.  Who can help you? Look outside your immediate frame of reference, as you might find support in another setting

Remember why this goal is important to you. This will give you the motivation to get started and the persistence to stick with it.

Other techniques and activities that work are:

• Mindfulness and meditation (including focusing on your breathing)
• Talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)
• Hobbies and activities that you have to concentrate on
• Writing a journal – sometimes writing out a problem reduces its power
• Adopting healthy eating habits (and avoiding caffeine, alcohol, junk food etc.)
• Have a regular sleep routine. If you wake in the night, worrying, tell yourself that now is not the time to think about this, now is the time to rest. (Keep pen and paper by the bed and make a note if need be, so the worries are captured and not whirling around in your head. Don’t use a phone or tablet for this, as the blue light from the screen will wake you up even more.) You can then deal with the issue in the daytime

“Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important.”
Natalie Goldberg

What organisations can do

Mental health is becoming less stigmatised these days, and a lot of leaders create space for their people to have open conversations about how they are feeling. It’s also important to have a formal, macro-level approach as an organisation, because you can’t put all the burden on the leaders.

This links to my articles:

• Healthy habits for wellbeing
• How to look after the wellbeing of your workforce
• Self-motivation and wellness for your people
• How is your self-motivation and wellness?

Further reading

If this topic is relevant to you, here are even more links you might find useful:

• The advantage of having a curious mindset
• Mindfulness
• Mindfulness and what it means for you
• Addressing procrastination
• Why you should celebrate your failures
• Compassion for yourself and others
• Psychological safety and team effectiveness
• How to reconnect to your purpose

Susan Jeffers’ book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway might also be helpful to you.

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Next month

In line with my advice about the importance of rest, relaxation and holidays, we’ll take a break for August and will be back in September with more leadership insights. I hope you enjoy the rest of the summer.

Failing to focus on employee wellbeing can cost your business dearly:

• Average 15% to 20% of total payroll is lost in voluntary turnover due to burnout
• $20 million lost opportunity cost for every 10,000 struggling or suffering employees
• $322 billion global loss of turnover and productivity due to employee burnout

Source: Gallup

It has been shown that how you engage employees has a powerful influence on their wellbeing.

When you make an emotional connection with them, you will get to know them and understand what motivates them. Then you can create the correct climate for them to thrive – one that’s linked to their values and purpose. That way, they can be themselves, minimise their stress levels, and are more likely to do their best work.

This builds on my recent articles Skills and mindset for the future world of work and How is your self-motivation and wellness?

Continue reading →

As the pandemic becomes endemic, self-motivation and wellness has emerged as a key leadership trend for 2022 – for us as individuals, and as leaders. This topic is linked to last month’s article: Skills and mindset for the future world of work.

For this month, we focus on what you can do about your own self-motivation and wellness. Next month, we’ll revisit the topic through the lens of a leader.

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Imagine you’re at the start of your career and you make a big mistake in your first role. You will probably lose your job.

Now imagine you’re the CEO of a large organisation and you make a big mistake. Chances are, everyone loses their job.

When you’re a leader, your actions have high impact. There can be a lot at stake when things go wrong.

Having said that, we’re all human. We all have our own strengths and flaws. By raising our awareness and working on ourselves, we can make a choice about how we want to show up in the organisation, and optimise our positive impact.

This newsletter explores how flaws are made, three common flaws, and how to address them. It’s just one way of looking at this topic, and I hope it gives you food for thought.

Continue reading →

With advances in medicine and technology, we are typically living longer than we did 100 years ago. Even as recently as 1960, the average life expectancy in the UK was 71; today it is 81. That’s a lot of life to live and make the most of, and around half of those years may involve being in work.

When we reach our 50s and 60s, we might have made some choices about the work we do. We may be considering retirement, or planning for it. We still have a lot of energy, but also have wisdom and maturity. We may be more comfortable in our skin than we were in our 20s and 30s. Any children may have left home, and we may be more financially stable, giving us more freedom.

I have a lot of clients in this age group. Some are wondering if they want to ‘keep playing the game’, particularly if they are going through yet another round of reorganisation. Yet, those who can afford to give up work might not want to. They still want to use their brain, play a part in society and be part of social networks – work is one way of doing this (and our identity is often closely linked to our work).

“Age only matters if you are a cheese”

We can’t prevent aging, so how do we age well? This article looks at how to make the most of the age we are and the body we’re in.

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Do you find yourself reluctant to get started on certain things? Do you regularly miss deadlines? Or work long hours because you waste too much time?

This month, we look at what procrastination is, analysing why we do it and what we can do about it. If procrastinating affects your productivity, it’s worth thinking about. But procrastination isn’t always bad, so we also explore the benefits.

Procrastination: the action of delaying or postponing something

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Since Covid, I’ve noticed both in my own interactions and in the media that people are more aware of their wellbeing. There are many aspects to your lifestyle which can affect both your physical and mental health (and one affects the other). This article addresses a few of them – hopefully you’re already applying most of them!

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